


Last Trip

by baekjuhos



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, I, I saw a documentary about it and i had to write it, M/M, i am truly sorry..., idk what i've done, indirect euthanasia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 19:19:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19383115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekjuhos/pseuds/baekjuhos
Summary: When you love someone, you do anything in your might. Even if it means to lose everything.





	Last Trip

Juho was chasing after Jaeyoon. “Jaeyoon, please. Please stop running away, your appointment is soon!”    
But Jaeyoon wouldn’t listen- instead he let out a scream and trashed against Juho’s strong hold on him. He had hugged the now biting male from behind. 

“Ah, god Jaeyoon. Jaeyoon-  _ Stop _ !” Juho, with all his might, lifted Jaeyoon off the floor. This caught the older of the two off guard and he let go of Juho’s hand.    
Juho dropped Jaeyoon onto the sofa. He had prepared his shoes already.    
If Jaeyoon had been hitting and screaming a few seconds ago, none of it was left as he stretched out his feet towards the younger. 

 

Juho slid the shoes on and helped him wear his jacket. The drive to the dialysis was as usual- Jaeyoon sleeping half way through and the other half actively distracting Juho.    
He had long gotten used to the myoclonic twitches and tremor of his life partner. 

Sure, at first it had scared not only Juho but Jaeyoon as well when his tremor started and Juho panicked. Jaeyoon rarely had noticed the twitches and tremor. 

  
Approximately four years ago they had been involved in a car crash- both of them had been severely wounded. Jaeyoon’s kidneys had taken damage. He had developed acute kidney failure but the hospital had waited too long to treat it. The acute failure turned into a chronic ailment. The doctors couldn’t tell why Jaeyoon’s kidneys had lost their functions this fast.    
Their last bit of hope was crushed when they saw how long the donors list was.    
Jaeyoon’s kidneys had completely lost all their function and his dialysis appointments had been multiplied. Instead of three times a week he was present six times. It was tiring him out.

Since his kidneys had lost all function, his body had turned septic. Substances which were obligated to be discharged through the urine went back into Jaeyoon’s blood- they accumulated in his brain. It was rare, but he had developed a kind of psychosis caused by the uremia. 

 

Years before Jaeyoon had deteriorated, he had written his advance directive. He had legally appointed Juho as his guardian, leaving full power to make decisions to him. Jaeyoon had written in his living will that he had no intention of keeping the dialysis up if he was to reach stage four, commonly also known as terminal kidney failure. Even back then he had known that he wouldn’t get a kidney donor.    
Juho had donated one of his kidneys, yet it had been affected by the other kidney’s failure. It quickly  had deteriorated to stage three.

  
It broke Juho’s heart, seeing Jaeyoon lay in the bed- how exhausted he looked. The dialysis always took a toll on his body. They had started with the peritoneal dialysis. It barely restricted Jaeyoon. He basically could go and do anything he wanted. But the further his stage got, the less compliant he was. One time he nearly pulled it out if Juho hadn’t seen and stopped him. 

There were days when Jaeyoon was able to see through his clouded mind. They were rare but Juho cherished those more than any other. 

 

Jaeyoon had fallen asleep while Juho held his hand. He etched every feature of his lover into his mind. He knew that he had to grant Jaeyoon’s one wish soon. 

Jaeyoon’s skin had turned yellowish, scratch marks all over his skin. The substances made it itch and Jaeyoon scratch it up. He looked sallow and had lost quite a lot of weight. Jaeyoon couldn’t eat much, not that his caloric intake would allow it. The edemas made him look chubbier than he was. 

 

Juho had rested his head on the night table next to the bed. He must have fallen asleep while he watched his lover’s chest rise up and down gently. Jaeyoon wasn’t wired to the monitor, it was acquainted that he had arrhythmia. Juho had gotten permission to stay with him because he was the only one Jaeyoon would listen to in his confusional state. 

 

He was harshly woken up to Jaeyoon trying to pull the butterfly needle out of his shunt arm. Juho was still drowsy, yet he jumped up and tightly held onto Jaeyoon’s cold hands. “Yoonie, no. Don’t do that. You need this.” 

Jaeyoon looked up at him with big eyes. “But I don’t want to anymore. I’m tired. It hurts.” Juho’s face softened. He sat onto the edge of his bed, never letting go of Jaeyoon’s hands. He pressed a soft kiss onto them, stroking over the back of his hands with his thumbs.    
“I know. It’s okay. Look, you’re almost done. We can go to the park afterwards?” 

Jaeyoon’s eyes lit up at that. 

 

Another year had passed. Jaeyoon’s condition had gotten worse. The few days he had been oriented were completely gone.    
Juho was trying to get Jaeyoon dressed for his next round of dialysis but the older was fighting back with all his might. Jaeyoon had hit him pretty hard. The following bite into his forearm was pretty deep. Juho couldn’t help the scowl forming on his face. He knew that Jaeyoon wasn’t himself anymore. He knew that Jaeyoon wasn’t the man he fell for. Yet Juho just couldn’t pack his things and leave. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t. He had promised Jaeyoon to take care of him and he couldn’t break that trust. 

 

Juho had then finally accepted that it was time to take the last step. Jaeyoon had left all the power of making decisions to him. He had battled with himself for many years. Juho was sure Jaeyoon would have supported the idea as well. 

  
“Come on Jaeyoon, let’s go on a trip!” Juho had packed a small bag with the little necessary stuff they’d need. Juho neatly packed the living will between their clothes. At the airport, Jaeyoon had gotten restless. He looked around and Juho was keeping an eye on him that he wouldn’t run off. 

“I want ice cream.” Jaeyoon exclaimed, tugging on Juho’s arm. He wanted to give the man everything he wanted but he couldn’t. “Later, yes? Let’s get through the security check first.” Jaeyoon pouted. “I don’t want to walk though. It hurts.”    
Juho gently stroked a strand of Jaeyoon’s hair out of his face, a soft smile on his face though his eyes were sad. Juho would miss him. 

 

“It’s fine Yoonie, I got you.” He sat Jaeyoon onto one of the benches. They waited for about half an hour until an airport employee arrived with a wheelchair. Juho helped Jaeyoon place himself there and they made their way through the security check.  “Juho I want chocolate.” 

“Just wait a little longer, yes? You’re amazing.” Juho pushed his hand gently through Jaeyoon’s locks, making the older look up at him. The innocent smile hurt Juho’s heart.    
Juho held his hand so Jaeyoon wouldn’t scratch his arm up, but to no avail. 

  
He had slept nearly the entire flight over. Juho, though, couldn’t get an ounce of sleep. His thoughts kept him awake. The unanswered what if’s made him anxious.    
With a gentle kiss, Juho woke Jaeyoon up once the plane had landed. Jaeyoon had no clue about what was to come. In his state of mind, he couldn’t count one and one together either. This truly was just for him. Juho just had the best in mind for Jaeyoon, even if it meant for Juho to lose everything. 

 

Juho had bought Jaeyoon all the candy he had asked for, all the ice cream he had craved. It was wrong because Jaeyoon’s caloric intake had been reduced to 600kcal a day. Juho couldn’t deny Jaeyoon the treats he had asked for after all these years of abstinence.    
He watched the dark haired happily munch on his chocolate bar as he focused on the people walking by them.    
Jaeyoon couldn’t comprehend where they were or what was happening. The uremia had caused damage to his brain. Juho snapped a picture and set it as his phone background. He hadn’t seen Jaeyoon this happy for years.    
“You’re the best!” Jaeyoon had suddenly engulfed him in a tight hug, mumbling into his chest. Juho had been perplexed for a second before he returned the bone crushing hug. He was trying to keep his tears back by burying his nose into Jaeyoon’s hair. 

 

That night, as if he had sensed something, Jaeyoon clung to Juho like he was a teddy bear. Juho didn’t mind, he loved it. Juho watched him sleep. He burned his lover’s features in. From the way his lashes fanned over his cheeks to the way he curled his toes every now and then when he was cold. Juho would miss him. 

 

The next day, Juho was more than anxious. He was scared, most of all.    
“Ah, Mr. Baek and Mr. Lee. Welcome. Please, have a seat.” The woman in front of them lead them towards what seemed like a living room. Jaeyoon was curiously looking around, shooting Juho a blending smile when he caught his eyes. Upon seeing Juho’s sad smile, Jaeyoon’s dimmed a little. He laced their fingers under the table. 

 

“We still have some paperwork to do.” The woman explained them that Juho, as a guardian, had to sign the papers. Juho had been sure that this was the right thing to do, that this was what would free Jaeyoon from his eternal suffering. So why couldn’t Juho put his signature onto the paper that would ease Jaeyoon’s pain? 

“Ma’am..” Juho looked up from the paper, pen still hovering over it. “Do you think I’m doing the right thing?”    
The doctor looked at him with sympathy. “Young man, this is a decision you have to make. I can’t take it from you. Think about what made you come here in the first place. You don’t have to do it at all-”    
Juho shook his head. He couldn’t be selfish. Jaeyoon had explicitly asked him for something like this. Before his heart could overrule his mind, Juho had signed the papers. 

  
They were led to a room with two beds, next to them were chairs. Juho saw the infusions already hanging, ready to be used. Jaeyoon was scared and hid behind Juho all the time. The hard grip on his hand was proof for it. 

 

Jaeyoon nonetheless laid down onto one of the beds, Juho never letting go of his hand. The doctor had silently punctured Jaeyoon’s port. She had connected the infusion to it.    
“For the sake of protocol, we will have to go through the signed papers. We will record it, it’s regulated by law.” Juho just nodded. Jaeyoon was playing with Juho’s fingers absently. He probably thought he was going to get another dialysis.

 

“Can you state your name?” The doctor’s assistant focused the camera on Jaeyoon. He just stared at Juho with confusion written all over his face. Juho reached out with his free hand to stroke Jaeyoon’s edematous face tenderly. “Jaeyoon Lee, born August 9th, 1994.”    
“You are his legally acquitted guardian. Can you state your name?” Juho’s eyes never left Jaeyoon. “I’m Juho Baek, born July 4, 1996. I’m Jaeyoon Lee’s legally acquitted guardian.” 

“Mr. Baek, you brought Mr. Lee here. What do you expect?” The camera was still on. Juho couldn’t immediately answer. It hurt him to even think of what he was about to say. 

“I expect Jaeyoon to be able to go without suffering.” It was barely audible. Jaeyoon’s big orbs staring at him expectantly made him feel nauseous. Juho felt like he was betraying Jaeyoon’s trust. 

“If you notice that you can’t go through it, please tell us. We can always stop the procedure.” Juho nodded, biting his lip hard.    
  
Jaeyoon smiled at him, showing him his dimples. “You’re the best, Jjuongie.”    
Juho squeezed Jaeyoon’s hand, his bottom lip quivering. “You can turn on the infusion now, Mr. Baek.” With that, she and her assistant had left the two alone. 

Juho did as he was told. As if Jaeyoon’s mind had cleared up, he looked straight Juho into the eyes. “I love you so much, Juho. Thank you.” Then Jaeyoon smiled once more, never looking away from him. He yawned two times before he gently fell asleep. Juho was still holding his hand, he didn’t dare to let go. Jaeyoon had long given his last breath, yet he couldn’t bring himself to let go. Juho was staring onto the carpeted floor, his tears falling silently.    
  
Jaeyoon was gone. He was gone to a better place. He had left with a smile. And that’s all Juho could’ve asked for. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry if there are any mistakes!   
> if you see some, please tell me so i can fix them!^^ 
> 
> i let my mutuals on twitter choose from a poll and it ended up being jaeyoon having terminal kidney failure with urosepsis


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